fuses

There was a time in my life when...

... a task ended because it was finished

... naps were a matter of preference

... thinking was given time and space

... the day was mine to design

There was also a time when I could be moody (grumpy, irritable) and 1) step away from it and 2) deal with it in private.

Now, when I am irritable, I have an audience I can't step away from. I can no longer escape to take a nap/go for a run/ take a shower/ go to my room / be alone - the way I used to deal with moodiness. Day and night, I am a full time mama: diapers need changing, hungry tummies need filling, fractions need smoothing, feelings need attending - regardless of how I feel.

So lately, things that would typically be minor seem major. Jack - happily kicking his legs - scratches me with his hangnail toe. Catherine - curious - asks me the same question three times in a row before I have the chance to answer. Camille - ever the enthusiast - gives Jack a toy by throwing it at his head. I LOSE IT.

Irritablity boiled to anger, like a pressure cooker sat on a increasingly hot element. This concerns me. Erik and I talked about this the past two nights, and I am so grateful for Erik's

1) taking me seriously

2) hearing me out

3) identifying with me

4) offering some practical solutions

5) reminding me that he is available to support me in any way

(I don't just love him because he's tall, dark, and handsome!!)

I'm learning a lot about myself, not only through the lens of marriage, but also through the magnifying glass of parenting. Seems I have a long fuse which goes and goes and WHAM! explodes. The effect on our children is unfair and confusing. The question that surfaced (from my boiling pot) is -

How do I express anger healthily while dealing with three small children?

Erik and I discussed steps I can take when I start feeling ______ (word bank: nervous, anxious, edgy, irritable, panicky, stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated) before I become angry. We discussed ways I can ask for help (seems I'm also learning about myself that asking is not my second nature).

The "beauty in the ashes" is that being open and honest with each other builds our marriage as we come together and then go to the Lord for His wisdom in how to care for each other during this time in our lives. As for our children, hopefully they will see their mom and dad don't have it all together... we don't have all the answers... but we are united in going to the One who does. Thanks for your prayers.

I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that Mystery and no where else.

from Colossians 2 (The Message)